Father’s Day. For many families today is the day to buy dad a new tie, let him golf in peace, and end the day by cooking steaks on his new grill from Home Depot.
But for millions of others it is a day of great pain. A day that reminds us of the person NOT sitting at the head of the table. The person who walked out or was taken too soon. The person who is not coming back and never even said goodbye.
Father’s Day
Many of you know my story, but if you don’t, here is a quick synopsis. My parents divorced when I just a toddler. My dad was in and out of my life (mostly out) until I was about eight-years-old. At that time my mom, brother, and I moved across the country and all contact with my dad stopped.
My mom dated and with each new boyfriend I thought, “Maybe this one will be my dad.” I always thought my “real life” would begin when she remarried. Eventually, my mom remarried when I was in middle school. It was a volatile, abusive marriage that ended in divorce my freshman year in high school. My whole world fell apart but was put back together when the Great Rescuer entered my life.
My mom married again during my freshman year in college and divorced when I was in my 20’s. All of that to say, I have experienced divorce—and the entrance and exit of three different fathers—at three various ages and stages of my life.
I have spent many Father’s Days just wanting the day to pass. No one to take to lunch, no gift to buy, no one to celebrate. Yet, throughout my years of growing up without a dad to call my own, God has taught me many lessons.
Four Lessons I Learned Growing Up Fatherless
1. Out of our deepest pain comes our greatest ministry. My first book, Dealing with Divorce: Finding Direction When Your Parents Split Up, was birthed out of my experience of living through my mom’s second divorce. My passion for marriage and family ministry is a direct result of watching my own family crumble time and time again. In order for God to use me, He first had to break me.
Whatever you are walking through at the moment—cancer, divorce, foreclosure, job loss, infertility—this is not the valley. This is the evening walk with God when the street is quiet, lit only by the moon, and He whispers to you, “It is all going to be O.K. because in the end I will deliver you and declare you victorious. The journey and the destination might not look the way you want it to, but it will look perfect because it will be according to my plan.”
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.
– Romans 8:28, ESV
2. God always provides. I might not have had a dad, but I always had friends whose parents welcomed me with open arms. They opened their homes to me. They gave me nicknames—some silly, some sweet—that communicated to me, “You are special to us. You matter.” When my own family was falling apart, these families were rock solid. I might not have had a dad, but I had lots of moms and dads to fill in the gaps.
Weary mamas, if you are raising kids on your own, rest assured that God will provide an army of people to support you and minister to your kids. Ask a friend if her husband would mentor your son or take your daughter to the daddy/daughter dance. Ask your church to host a mentor training through The Mentoring Project. God did not ask you to walk this road alone. He wants to surround you with a support system if you will let Him.
3. God hears our prayers . . . even when He doesn’t answer the way we want Him to. When I was in the fourth grade I prayed for two things: for God to heal my aunt who had cancer, and for God to bring me a dad. I wasn’t a Christian at the time, but I prayed anyway. I prayed every night. Then, my aunt died and there was no dad in sight. So I stopped praying. Years later I learned that God heard me, not because He gave me a dad, but because He gave me His Word.
When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.
– Psalm 86:7, NIV
4. Life isn’t fair. And that’s O.K. Statistics tell us 1 in 3 kids are growing up fatherless . . . that’s approximately 24 million children! They will never buy a Father’s Day card. They will never play chicken fight in the pool with their dad. They will never go on a father/son campout. They will never practice dancing on their daddy’s shoes in the kitchen.
Life isn’t fair, but we can rest in God’s truth which tells us:
We have a Heavenly Father.
. . .“I will be a Father to you,
and you will be my sons and daughters,”
says the Lord Almighty.
– 2 Cor 6:18
He hears our pain.
All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
Psalm 38:9, NIV
He will not abandon us.
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the Lord your God goes with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you.
– Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV
One day He will make this wrong right.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death” or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away.
– Revelation 21:4, NIV
Not a Statistic
Mamas of fatherless kids, hang in there! I have read the statistics that say your sweet kindergarteners who love t-ball and swimming and ballet will one day end up addicted to alcohol or drugs, engage in premarital sex, and end up in prison. But I refuse to believe this. Why? Because I am one of those “statistics.”
I grew up fatherless, but instead of falling into these traps I fell into the arms of Jesus. He loved me, He protected me, and He gave me new life. I am praying for your kids too, that they will pursue Christ. That they will love eternal things more than things of the world. That they will seek love from their Savior more than they seek love from strangers.
Be encouraged that God loves you and your child. Jesus came to save the world—each and every one of us—regardless of our background, our social status, our income, or our family tree. And that is good news as we celebrate our Heavenly Father this Father’s Day.
