Six Lessons Kids Learn When Mom Leaves Town

This past weekend I flew to South Dakota to speak at a women’s retreat. People often say, “I don’t know how you do it,” and in this case I have a two-word answer: my husband. Brandon is an incredibly supportive husband and Super Dad. I could not leave town and do what I do if he was not willing to stay in town and do what he does.

This particular weekend we had two soccer games, one baseball game, one softball game, baseball pictures, and softball pictures, which all took place at various times at three different locations across town, plus an eighteen-month-old who needed a nap at some point during the day. You’re probably craving a glass of wine just reading about that chaos.

I thought all was well with the Oates children until Friday afternoon when I received this text from my Clarey:

Dramatic, much?

While some mamas might have ditched the retreat and hopped the first plane back to Texas, I took a deep breath and reminded myself of all the lessons kids learn when mom goes out of town. If you struggle with mom guilt when you leave town, whether for work, a girls’ weekend, or a romantic getaway with your spouse, stop beating yourself up. I am convinced our tiny tots and teens can learn many lessons when mom leaves town.

Six Lessons Kids Learn

When Mom Leaves Town

1. Kids learn that Kingdom work is more important than being a wife or a mom.

When you leave town for ministry work or a mission trip, you are doing the thing that God created you to do first: follow Jesus. Every other job description is secondary. Being a wife, a mother, a daughter, an employee, a friend . . . every role you play in life is secondary to following the One who came to give you eternal life.

When ministering to others we teach our children that serving our King is more important than serving them. They won’t like it at first, and they may not even understand it right away. But overtime, it will sink in. And hopefully, with a lot of prayer on our part, they will appreciate your role in the Kingdom and maybe even want to join you.

Then he said to his disciples,

“The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.”

– Matthew 9:37

Slowly but surely, Clarey is getting it.

2. Kids learn that moms need to rest and recharge.

Moms are people too. They need to rest, refuel, and engage in relationships that are important to them, whether on a girls’ trip or a romantic weekend with dad. We need quiet (especially for all you introverts—I got your back!), we need time to recharge so that when we come home we have more energy to pour back into our kids.

It’s O.K. to explain to our kids in language they will understand: “Just like you want to have playdates with your friends, Mom wants to have playdates too.”

3. Kids learn that moms have dreams and goals too.

My children have asked me on more than one occasion, “When are you gonna get a real job, Mom?”

Mothers everywhere have been shamed by their children into thinking their resumes—which boasts of many high profile positions including Cook, House Keeper, Chauffer, Event Planner, Laundress, Room Mom, PTA Member, and much more—don’t qualify as “real jobs.” Let me tell you moms, it is our children who are mistaken. And one day when they are folding the laundry, driving to soccer practice, and cooking spaghetti for the fifth time in less than a month because it is only one of three things their children will eat, they will realize how much of a “real job” parenthood truly is.

Maybe you run your own company, teach at a university, or work as a pediatrician and still you receive no street cred with the kiddos. In my case, writing books, appearing on television and radio programs, and speaking at various events across the country doesn’t earn me any accolades either. Sigh.

Our children live very goal-driven lives: they want to audition for the school play, score the big goal, and make an A on the test. In order to do so, however, they must train and prepare.

The beauty about leaving town is that kids can relate to the process. They see you prepare, just as they prepare for the big game or the test. Then they see you live out your own dreams and goals, even if your goal is to sip a fruity drink on the beach. When you get home you have exactly 48 seconds (after you give them a souvenir, of course) to let them know how your trip went. Bring them into your world enough to help them see your dreams and goals play out.

4. Kids learn that the world does not revolve around them.

This one is going to come as a shocker to our kids, but the truth is, life is not all about them (insert gasp!!!) Mom actually prefers to eat more than just Lucky Charms and chicken nuggets and she likes to watch something other than Disney Channel. When your kids find out this information . . . Mind. Blown.

Taking time away teaches our kids that mom has needs outside of their little world. It also helps them gain independence and rely on each other. And maybe, when you return, it will help them appreciate you just a little bit more.

My welcome home present after my trip to South Dakota. It included a Beanie Boo, a homemade craft Campbell made last year in preschool, and my own lip gloss and chapstick which they took from my makeup drawer . . . all the feels.

5. Kids learn that dad supports mom.

When Dad sends Mom off with a smile on his face and full confidence in your mission, your kids will also buy into your cause. Whether you leave town for work or for play, if Dad supports Mom, the kids realize what you are doing is worthy of your time and they will eventually support you too.

If, however, Dad is disrespectful, whiney, and grumbling the entire time you’re gone, the kids will adopt the same attitude.

Dads, be careful how you view your wife’s calling. Do you value what she has to offer the world? Do you encourage her? Do you support her by helping with the kids? Do you set a good example for your children by exhorting her? Or do you default to your flesh and complain, thinking only of how her calling will inconvenience you?

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”

– Proverbs 31: 28-29

6. Kids learn they can count on dad.

Back when my kids were toddlers, I knew too many mamas who were afraid to leave their kids alone with their husbands whether out of fear or control. But over time, everyone suffered. Mom became overwhelmed, overtired, and resentful. Dads feared parenting solo and they missed that one-on-one bonding time.

Kids missed out on bonding with dad. Yes, dads do it differently. The diaper might be on backward. The shoes might not match. Dad might serve cereal for dinner and let the kids stay up way to late, but you know what? The kids will still be alive when you get home. They will have fun and create wonderful memories.

It’s this bond that will serve them well later on in life when they need to rely on dad: when they crash the car, when they suffer their first heartbreak, when they fail their first college class. Or those times when they want to celebrate: when they land their first job, when they get asked to the prom, and when they graduate. All of these moments will be shared with their dad because they will have built a foundation of trust with him many years ago over weekends of NERF wars and Pop-Tarts . . . without mom hovering over them.

Release the Guilt

Go ahead, mom. Let go of your children and the guilt. Embrace your God-given talent. Accept your need for rest and connection. Live out your calling, and let Dad take care of the rest. Your children will learn many valuable lessons in the process.

***********************************

eBooks

If you found this blog post helpful, check out the following eBooks: