If you were shocked by our big announcement last week, you’re not alone. I think adding this tiny guy into our family surprised people more than (spoiler alert!) Zoe Barnes’ untimely death in House of Cards. After all, we were just settling into our new normal with CeCe. No more CPS visits. No more agency paperwork. No more certified babysitters. We had tasted freedom and it tasted sweet.
God, however, had different plans—as He often does. If you’re wondering how this all came to be, I am here to answer your questions. Inquiring minds want to know, I get it. So read on as I answer questions I’ve received, as well as to find out how we became a family of—GULP!—seven.
Fostering Q&A
1. What is his story? This precious little guy is CeCe’s half brother. While you can’t see from my master disguises in photos, they do share a sweet resemblance. He joined our family when he was only two days old.
2. What is his name? We are required to keep his name confidential on social media (this blog included), but we are working on a nickname.
3. When did you find out about him? We knew CeCe’s mom was pregnant sometime in the spring. At that time both parents appeared to be in a position to parent him so we didn’t worry too much about it. Toward the end of the pregnancy, however, circumstances changed and his parents were no longer able to provide care for him. We still did not know if we would be asked to foster him because we didn’t know if there was any family available. So we prayed and waited and prayed some more.
4. Why did you decide to foster again? This was not a decision we made without a lot of internal wrestling and praying. Obviously, five kids is a lot . . . don’t let the Duggars fool ya. There is the day-to-day chaos, competition for attention, juggling of schedules, chauffeuring kids to practice and games, social lives to nourish, and spiritual lives to disciple.
And don’t get me started on the expense of five kids: clothes, sports, camps, braces, cars, college, and weddings. I thought when they got out of diapers we’d be earning a raise. Oh, how sweet, young, and naïve of me. So if you want to contribute to the Team Oates college fund, go buy Dealing with Divorce or If You Could See as Jesus Sees.
Just kidding.
No I’m not.
Yes I am.
No I’m not.
Allow me to be candid for a moment. While we believe strongly in the mission of foster care and adoption, we did not feel a void in our family. We felt no need to add a fifth child to our flock. We felt no martyr complex to save all the children because we know that the foster care crisis is too big for one family to solve.
Yet, after much prayer, wrestling, and discussion, and our conviction to keep these siblings together far outweighed our need for convenience and comfort. We don’t know if he will be with us for one month, six months, or forever. But we do know that if he leaves us, one day we will be able to tell CeCe that we tried everything we could to keep her and her little brother connected. We put our “yes” on the table and we are leaving the rest up to God.
5. How have people reacted? As with the first time we fostered, we have received mixed reactions. Some people respond out of concern for us and want to make sure we understand the big picture scenario. Believe me, we do. “But you do realize CeCe’s mom will have more kids,” they point out.
I would take offense to this, except that I once said the exact same thing about a family who had two bio kids and adopted a child through foster care; two years later they adopted that child’s sibling. I responded by saying, “Who in their right mind would continue to clean up someone else’s ‘mess?’ That family is just letting the bio mom shirk her responsibility.” Before I was immersed in this world where parents choose drugs and violence over their own children and generational poverty runs rampant, my ignorance overshadowed my understanding and compassion.
Today I realize this family’s plight wasn’t a “mess” at all, but a bio mom who needed grace and truth and a child who needed a family—much like our situation. Yes, CeCe’s bio mom might have more children in the years to come, but we can’t think about those other children . . . we can only think about this child. We can only consider how God wants us to respond today, and then we can choose to trust in His plan. We will not worry about potential future children. For now, we will love this child in this moment.
Our friends and family have been very supportive. They have provided us with meals, diapers, baby clothes, and prayer—and we are so grateful!
6. How has CeCe reacted? CeCe is very attached to me. It is a bond we worked hard to create and now it is strong. So my prayer for CeCe was that she would not feel jealous. I prayed she would feel love toward the baby and form a bond with him.
God is so gracious toward us! Last week Brandon and the three older kids had to leave town Tuesday-Saturday so it was just CeCe and me here when the baby arrived on Wednesday. You would think that would create lots of room for jealousy, but it didn’t. She played “mommy” to her baby doll as I loved on her baby brother. She showered her brother with kisses, hugs, and maybe bounced him a little too aggressively in the bouncy seat. We are working on a new word: “gentle.” This might be the honeymoon phase, but overall we are excited to see she is not responding with jealousy or anger.
7. How have your other children reacted? Last Tuesday, before the baby came into our home, we told the kids we were going to foster again and they immediately broke out in smiles and “YAY’s!” They asked, excitedly, “Is it another baby?!” And before we told them more specifics they all agreed they wanted a baby boy. Your wish is our command.
Then I said, “There is a little more to the story,” and Clarey asked, “Does the baby have dark skin?”
“No,” I chuckled. “The baby is CeCe’s half brother.”
“That’s kinda cool,” Carter said pensively.
While Brandon and the kids were out of town they prayed for me, CeCe, and the baby. Campbell voiced the sweetest prayer that will become our mantra throughout this journey. “God, help us love him. And we pray he’ll be a part of our family. But if he doesn’t stay with us, then we pray you help him find a good home quickly.”
Carter, Clarey, and Campbell fell in love with the baby from the first day they met him. Ever since then the biggest argument has been over who gets to hold and feed the little guy. I’ll take that kind of bickering any day. And throughout the day Campbell repeatedly says, “He is so cute.” All the feels.
My kids are sold out for foster care and I am happier than Justin Timberlake singing Can’t Stop the Feeling.
8. What happens next? As with any foster placement, we wait for the rollercoaster ride to begin. There is still the possibility he could be placed with a family member, so for now we just wait. We care for him and love him as if we were own, because for today he is. We stumble through middle of the night feedings and newborn doctor’s appointments with new parents who are 10-15 years younger than us. And we laugh. Because just when you think you have life figured out God gives you a gift that is even better than you deserve.
If you are interested in foster care, adoption, or fostering-to-adopt, feel free to contact me or Arrow Children and Family Ministries today.
