Last week was heavy . . . not skinny-jeans-too-tight heavy, but ministry-is-messy heavy. Brandon and I walked a couple through the trenches of deep marital pain, as we have done with many couples before them.
It was a reminder that every couple–no matter how perfect life looks on the outside–is susceptible to dysfunction and difficulties. Even Brandon and me.
Mentoring and More . . .
Over the past eight years Brandon and I have mentored engaged and young married couples and have celebrated their first jobs, first homes, and first babies.
Yet, we have also walked couples through valleys so low they wondered if they had the faith and courage to climb their way back to the mountaintop. Many issues erode today’s marriages, including:
- Abuse
- Addiction
- Adultery
- Financial difficulties
- Infertility
- In-law Issues
- Lack of Intimacy
- Pornography
- Poor communication and conflict resolution skills
- And more . . .
We even founded a ministry—Project Restoration Ministry—to help match couples with couple-mentors and offer financial assistance with our recommended professional counselors, all in the name of healing and restoration. (And if deep conversation and mentoring happens over a glass of wine, so be it.)
When the Tables Turn
So imagine our shock when Brandon and I—the ones who refer people to counselors—found ourselves sitting on a counselor’s couch. How did this happen? How did we fall so far? We knew all the “right answers” . . . we probably could have counseled ourselves. And yet, there we sat. Week after week, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle tumbling out of a box, we poured out our frustration, anger, blame, hurt, and fear. How would we ever put the puzzle back together again?
Years of pouring into others without thoughtfully caring for and nurturing our own relationship led us to a place of hurt and despair. We were under a lot of stress, life was moving too fast, and we were so busy taking care of everyone but each other, that we failed to recognize where we were headed.
Eventually we sought professional counseling where we discovered our “blind spots” and were reminded of the tools necessary to make our marriage strong and healthy again.
Through it all, I overcame my shame of needing help and realized I am no different than anyone else. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I need help. Sometimes I need guidance. Sometimes I need someone to tell me my crazy thoughts aren’t so crazy after all.
My marriage is not unique or invincible. It is sacred and fragile and worth fighting for.
So Brandon and I fought . . . all the way back to each other.
Five Lessons I Learned in Marriage Counseling:
- No one is perfect.
We are all broken people. We enter into marriage with unrealistic expectations of marriage and our spouse. We carry baggage from our past and live out unhealthy behavior patterns. Yet, despite our downfalls we navigate life, jobs, kids, and responsibilities. But are we thriving or merely surviving in marriage? An unbiased third party can help you wade through the emotional, mental, and spiritual muck that prevents you from growing deeper with your spouse.
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
– Romans 3:23, NIV
- No marriage is perfect.
Gasp! What? I know this is shocking. All the fancy Facebook photos and flashy Instagram filters perpetuate a myth that marriage is 100% bliss. We take vacations to numb an affair. We focus on the kids to avoid communicating. We strive to create a perfect life on the outside while masking the imperfections behind close doors.
We must get past the stigma of therapy and realize there is no shame in counseling. The real shame is in clinging to our self-preservation and refusing help that is available. You must release your pride if you want to hold on to your marriage.
- The stress and circumstances of life erode a relationship.
In the 15 years Brandon and I have been married we have walked through chronic illness, death of a parent, divorce of a parent, relocation, depression, job change, foster care and adoption, creating a ministry, parenting four children with very different needs, and more.
Ironically, we are no different from any other couple. Every couple endures stressful life events and busy schedules. A counselor can help you break unhealthy patterns, understand each other’s point of view, and help you find your way back to each other.
- The Enemy seeks to destroy.
The first year we were married Brandon repeated this one sentence that we have gone back to whenever we are at odds, “We’re on the same team.” It’s a good reminder that no matter the argument, our spouse is not our enemy. There is another Enemy who seeks to destroy our marriage and will do anything within his power to accomplish his goal.
Be alert and of sober mind.
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
– 1 Peter 5:8, NIV
- Marriage counseling is not just for the “sick.”
Brandon and I knew a couple whose pastor made them sign a contract when they were engaged that said they would visit a marriage counselor when they were married for 7 years and 14 years. Why? Because these are pivotal points in marriage when children, careers, and stress mount and take a toll on relationships.
Just like we schedule annual well-checks with our physician and pediatricians, scheduling a counseling “well-check,” even if you think your marriage is “healthy,” provides a safe place to talk about issues you might not discuss otherwise. And an unbiased third party might detect unhealthy patterns you can change to shift your marriage from good to great!
Please hear me when I say, my point in writing this blog (with Brandon’s blessing) is not to air out the dirty laundry of my own marriage. It is to overcome the shame associated with marriage counseling. If we can break the stigma, we can save marriages. If we can save marriages, we can preserve families. If we can preserve families, we can prevent a ripple effect of pain and tragedy.
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If you are in the Central Texas area and want to pursue counseling but aren’t sure where to start, please contact me! Brandon and I have relationships with 12 counselors in the area and would love to get you in touch with someone. Please don’t wait. Start your path of healing today!
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Related Posts:
My Husband Has a Really Bad Habit
What Your Spouse Really Needs and Wants This Valentine’s Day
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