Our kids’ favorite annual school event is “Donuts with Dad.” This is the morning when they proudly waltz into school with dad on their heels, ready to show him their Picasso-like paintings, tour their classrooms, and sit in the school cafeteria as they slip into a sugar-induced coma over free donuts. Despite this time of parent-child bonding, it is my least favorite school activity.
I remember school events like these from my own childhood: father/daughter dances, father/son sack races. I remember sitting on the sidelines and watching my friends laugh and giggle and having fun. I pretended it was no big deal because what else is an eight-year-old girl supposed to do?
Growing up my own dad was not a part of my life. My parents divorced when I was two years old and his presence in our lives was sporadic at best. When I was eight years old my mom, my brother, and I moved from Ohio to Texas. At that time all contact with my dad ceased.
So every year when Donuts with Dad rolls around, I cringe. I ache for the fatherless, the lonely, and the hurting. While I am thrilled for my children, my heart breaks for the kids who have no dad to walk them to class. No dad to dote on their drawings. No dad to dunk donuts with. No dad to say, “I’m proud of you.”
The more I think about Donuts with Dad, the more I think schools should cancel the event altogether. The same goes for Muffins with Mom. And Grandparents Day.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not the type of mom who thinks every kid deserves a trophy and every race calls for a participation ribbon. That’s not my jam.
There are, however, five reasons why Donuts with Dad (and other such events) should be eliminated:
- It is an event meant to celebrate a relationship, but ends up drawing attention to the children who lack this relationship and usually need it the most. #ironic
- The event is designed to get more dads involved in their children’s education. Yet, it’s not the dads attending the event who need to show up at their child’s school. It’s the dads who skip out for the third year in a row who need to come. Again, #ironic
- Without meaning to, Donuts with Dad shines the spotlight on fatherless kids and causes embarrassment to a child if his or her dad simply misses the event. In the past three years our community has watched two fathers and two mothers of young children all pass away from cancer. It is tragic and heartbreaking. Yet, what is also difficult to watch is days like Donuts with Dad and Muffins with Mom. Schools should bring families together, not highlight families who have been torn apart.
- Donuts with Dad creates guilt for single moms, whether are widowed or divorced.
- It clings to an ideal family model that does not apply to every family structure. For example, in my daughter’s class last year there was one grandmother raising her granddaughter. Would she attend a Muffins with Mom event or Grandparents Day? In that same class there was also one set of grandparents raising their grandson. Does the grandfather attend Donuts with Dads or Grandparents Day? Today’s society has sent the Leave it to Beaver family model floating down the river in a Baby Moses basket. It’s time to send Donuts with Dad packing too.
So what is the solution?
Should we celebrate no one for fear of offending everyone? I don’t think so.
I recently saw a school that hosted a “Family Day” and another school that went a step further to be all-inclusive by hosting a “Loved Ones Day.” So simple, yet so profound! Why not honor every person in the child’s life who has made a significant impact?
These events allow children to celebrate single mothers, aunts, uncles, godparents, foster parents, grandparents raising children, and any other non-traditional family structure. Loving and caring for children is tough work. Why not recognize everyone who loves our children well. I guarantee our children have enough hugs—and donuts—to go around.
